Depression (Entry 12/19/2018)

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Depression is one of the problem of many people. Depression can kill someone. It is very dangerous and critical condition of our mind. 

Many students, teens, or early adulthood experience depression. I am experiencing depression.

I try to cut my wrist many time and I felt dizzy everytime I woke up. I tried to overdozed myself but no used also. God always waking me up the next day. I feel  so good everytime I hurt my self. I don't know why.

I tell some people about what happened to me. Back then, they want me to file case againts him but I don't want everyone to judge me more because of it. Many will get involved and know what happened to me. 

Living on a nightmare is not really easy.

I have multiple attempt of suicide on my highschool days and now at my college days.

When I was in highschool, I always hear voices echoing telling I am not good enough. People just judge me physically whether who I am or not. Even my parents believed those people. They called me malandi, maarte, and worst pokpok, and even dictated my future to encounter teenage pregnancy. It is my worst life. Which leads me to end up my life.

My friends betrayed me always and left me behind. This happens when I was in grade shool upto college. People left me when I am down and useless. No one ask me if I am okay they just walk away. 

A traumatic experience happened to me on 2013. It still giving me a nightmare, and I couldn't sleep sometimes. I was been sexually harassed, kidnapped, threatened to kill me and my family and friends. For 2-3 months, sometimes I am leaving home for school but I am not attending classes. He pick me up around my university and dragged me somewhere far. There are time that I couldn't go back home and stays up to the next day. I am tired and I want to end everything. This is not the life I am wanting to be. He always threatened to kill me me, my family and my friends. He has a gun. He became obsessed with me and I was trapped. Then one day, I put all my strength and fight him that I want him to stop. He went to my university and threaten me again. He dragged me in front of University somewhere in Manila and that was around 10pm. I am crying but no one dares to help me. I am shouting someone help me please, but no one. He opened his bag and get his tools which are pointed like screw driver and hammer, and threatened me that he will kill anyone who will try to help me. Around 2am before he let me to go home. 

I dropped from my college, and stop going to school and going out my room. I want to tell my parents but I cannot. They will br angry at me and I don't want to hear any negative.

My bestfriend during that time, knows what happened to me. He betrayed me. He almost raped me. This is why now, I cannot trust any guys easily to be my friends.

After a year I went back school, I was left behind. No one of my friend asked me what happened and if I am okay. No one tried. I became alone, I change my attitude. Sometime I don't show any emotion. I am too good to be true but I also show my other side. My so called friends betrayed me and even confronted me like I am the one whose at fault. 

Now I am sufferring from depression, so many reason why I am like this. No one dare to ask me how I am. I guess no one really knows me well. I can smile, but my eyes cannot. I am sad and lonely. I need to talk. I need to cry. I need to shout.

I chose to be alone. I chose not to talk. I cannot minggled with everyone. 

Entry 12/10/2018

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Habang tumatagal palala ng palala. Naririndi ung utak ko mahal. Paulit ulit pumapasok sa isip ko ung makikipaghiwalay ka skin. Na inopen mo na naman na maghiwalay tayo. Ako nalang ba may gusto ng relasyong to? Ako nalang ba talaga? Mali ba na magselos ako? Mali ba? Tama ba naman iyon? Magalit ka sakin dahil don? Ayaw mo na pinakikilaman kita dba? Snabi ko lang naman di na kita pakikilaman sa ginagawa mo. Hindi na ko magseselos, d na ko magagalit. Kasi kapag ganun ako nagagalit ka din. Ako may kasalanan? Ako na nagselos ako na  nagalit ako pa may kasalanan? Mahal ilang beses mo na inopen yang paghihiwalay na yan. Ngayon napapaisip ako kung mahal mo ba talaga ako o naaawa ka nalang na iwan ako mag isa. 

Kung panghihinayang lang at awa ung nararamdaman mo sakin. Okay lang tatanggapin ko nalang din. O kaya sabihin mo nalang na di mo na ko mahal para hindi na ko nasasaktan. Kahit ata saksakan ako ng isang baldeng pampamanhid masakit pa din mahal. Ako pa bbigyan mo ng time to think? One day? Nah! I'll give you a week to think. Kung mahal mo pa ba ako o hindi na.

Entry 8/22/2018

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Ang hirap pala talaga kapag di ka sanay mag open sa iba ng mga nararamdaman mo. Ang hirap ng hindi mo alam kung dapat bang may makinig pa sayo. Sana mawala nalang ako. Tingin naman nila okay naman ako. Sana nga okay lang talaga ako. Pero di ako okay. Nalulunod ako sa depression, nalulunod ako sa memories, nalulunod ako sa pag-iisip. I am nothing. Ayokong masaktan ko na naman yung sarili ko, di ko na kaya yung pressure. Wala pa din talagang makakaintindi sakin, kahit siya ayaw na niya akong intindihin. Kahit siya ayaw na niya sa sakin. Kahit siya gusto na din akong iwan. Sabagay, sino ba nman ako? Walang namang matino sakin. Hindi naman nya ko nakakasama, kung mag-usap kami wala akong mabigay na mapag-uusapan, hindi ko alam yung mga hilig nya. Wala kong alam sa sports, wala kong masayong alam sa online games, Hindi kagaya nung ibang nakakausap niya. Wala akong kwenta diba?

Entry 8/20/2018

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Bakit ganun? Bakit ang sakit sakit? Bakit di ko maintindihan? Bakit di ko na alam gagawin ko? 

Akala ko naiintindihan mo yung lagay natin? Kasalanan ko bang malayo tayo sa isat isa? Kasalanan ko ba kung magkaiba yung oras natin? Kasalanan ko ba? Sige na kasalanan ko na, ako naman laging mali ee. 

Ako naman tong walang time, kahit na gumawa ako ng time at ikaw tong cold na cold sakin pag magkachat tayo. Kala mo ba okay sakin? Na tuwing maalala ko yung memories natin together naiiyak ako kasi sobrang miss kita, nahihirapan din ako mahal ko. Hindi lang ikaw! Pero wala kang maririnig sakin na reklamo. Wala. 

Toxic na ako sayo ? Natotoxic ka na. Toxic na din ako sa sarili ko. Patapon na ata talaga ako, wala talaga akong kakwenta kwenta, noh? Gusto mo na ba mawala ako? 

Entry 4/18/2018

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Sabi ko na nga ba magbabago ka kapag umalis ka. Mararamdaman mo na naman na hindi ka na masaya sakin. Ito yung kinatatakutan kong mangyari, yung maiwan akong mag isa dito na umaasa sayo. Yung iiwan mo ko dahil sa hindi ka na masaya dahil malayo ka. Paano naman yung nararamdaman ko? May pakelam ka ba sa kung ano mang mararamdaman ko?? Alam mong mabilis akong masaktan love. 

Bigla kang manlalamig sakin tapos ako nandito ako sa ospital, nawawalan na ako ng pag-asa ang tagal ko na dito! Gusto ko na umalis! Ang sakit na ng kamay ko sa gamot. Wala akong makitang iba dito sa kwarto. Nabuburyo ako tapos ikaw? Manlalamig ka bigla sakin? 

Hindi mo naman naiintindihan yung nararamdaman ko. Hindi mo alam na iyak ako ng iyak nung time na umuwi ako from work kasi nagtatalo yung isip ko kung magpapadala na ba ako sa ospital o aantayin ko munang puntahan ko ako sa bahay. Inaantay kita love. Inantay kita na puntahan mo ako sa bahay bago ko sabihin sa mama ko na hindi ko na kaya umalis na tayo papuntang ospital. Hindi kita nakita bago ka umalis, hindi ko pinakikita sayo na nasasaktan ako. Oo nahihirapan ako controlin emosyon ko habang nakikita kitang umiiyak at aalis na.

Hindi ko kaya ee. Pero bakit ganyan ? Bigla kang hindi na masaya? Naisip mo ba ako?
Mahal kita! Mahal na mahal kita! Alam mong aantayin kita hanggang bumalik ka diba?  Pero bakit pinararamdam mo sakin na hindi ka na babalik? 

Nasasaktan ako, may pakelam ka pa ba? 

Entry 4/4/2018

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Unbelievable but thats it! 

Bullshit! Am I nothing?? Am I invinsible?? Manhid ka ba talaga?? Ganyan ka ba?? Sa tinagal tagal na natin di mo pa din alam?? Love hindi ako ang may mali satin, Ikaw! Gusto ko ng normal na relationship, hindi mo ba alam iyon? Love alam mong naiinggit ako sa ibang couple, dba? Alam mo pakiramdam ko magisa lang ako. Aalis ka at iiwan mo ko halos ganun lang din kasi di ka pa nga naalis pakiramdam ko mag isa lang ako. Pakiramdam ko wala akong kwenta.. pakiramdam ko ako lang may gusto ng relationship na ito. Sabagay mula sa simula palang ako na may gusto nito. Sino ba naman kasi ako sayo?? Ano mo ba ako? 

Love mahal kita pero wag mo naman ako saktan. Wag mo naman iparamdam sakin na mag isa ako. Oo aalis ka okay lang naman sakin pero habang nandito ka iparamdam mong andito ka. Iparamdam mong kasama kita. 

Entry 4/3/2018

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Ang lungkot.. habang mag-isa ako nakaupo pinakikinggan ang alon at pinanonood ang pagbaba ng araw. Parang dinudurong yung puso ko ng alon. Bakit ganyan ka?? Di ko naiintidihan yung feelings ko na gusto kita makasama.. aalis ka na next week pero bakit ganun?? Bakit sinasaktan mo yung feelings ko??? Kasi ba alam mong kahit nasasaktan ako at malungkot ako di kita iiwan?? Kasi ba mahal kita kaya kahit ano okay lang sakin?? Simple lang naman gusto ko, makasama ka ng hindi ka nagagalit o naiinis sakin. Pero bakit ang hirap love? Bakit gusto ko umiyak? Bakit hinahayaan mo ko laging mag isa? Ayokong mag isa! Hindi mo ba alam yun?? Ayokong mag isa!

Entry 3/27/2018

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Galit ako.. oo galit ako sayo! Naiinis ako sayo! Bakit ganyan ka sakin?? Pakiramdam ko tuloy di mo na ko mahal. Nasasaktan na ko love.. mahal kita love sobra pero wag mo naman ako ganituhin, sobra na love minsan nasasakal ako sa dami kong bawal gawin. Minsan d ko na kilala sarili ko love.. gusto mo ba yung ganun? 

Entry 3/1/2018

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Di ko alam, pero naiinggit talaga ako sa ibang girl na may boyfriend, gusto ko makasama ka lumabas, makipagdate , mamasyal kaso hindi ee, ayaw mo hindi mo gusto yung magbyahe at maglakadlakad. Hindi ko naman masabing , ako nalang mag isa, kasi di mo naman ako ppayagan. Minsan love hindi ko na alam yung gusto ko sa ayaw mo. Paano kung wala ka na dito? Ikukulong ko pa rin ba sarili ko na mag isa ako? Na hindi ako makakaalis alis? Gusto ko ng maayos na date kasama ka, yung di tayo nagaaway, yung di ka naiinis kasi may gusto akong gawin, kasi kung ganun edi sana ako nalang nagikot magisa. Kaya minsan nagtatampo ako sayo, kapag natapos na yung trip mong gawin bahala na ko sa buhay ko basta ikaw ayaw mo na maglakad lakad.. dami ko gustong puntahan kasama ka. Pero hindi na pwede ee aalis ka na .. demanding ako kasi deserve ko nan magdemand sayo ng time. Gusto ko sinusundo mo ko sa dorm, kasi gusto ko maranasan yun ee, gusto ko hinahatid mo ko sa bahay namin, kasi ganun yung iba ee, bakit pag dating sa simpleng bagay ang hina ko sayo? 

Just a Game - Entry 2/17/2018

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We just had a game, a class had a game, and that game is like an open forum but annonymous person. We write our names on a peice of paper and pass it to the professor, then the paper are distributed randomly, once we receive the paper, we have to writ the things referring to that person then pass to the right until the first paper we got return to us.

So then, thats it. 

The professor gave back the papers to the owner.

So, I have my paper.

Someone has called to share what they have received and written on the paper. So they stand in front of the class and tell something.

I have opened my paper and I just received the same comment as before. They say I am bossy, mataray, masungit, pabida, that I have to listen to others, some said mabait, okay kasama at maayos na leader. I know this will turn like this.

So I stand in front of the class, I volunteer, I raised my hand and walk to the front. 

I defend my self for those things written on the paper.

I held the microphone and said.

I admitted that I am bossy, mataray, and suplada, I don't regret it. Yeah I don't. For those who know me already way back on ESET knows that I am not like this but I've changed because of something that happened before and I have to be like this. I have to become mataray and bossy in order to eliminate the unseriousness inside the group and of course if I wouldnt do that, our grades will suffer. Its all about being serious if it is needed.

I dont regret anything

Sad Valentines Day 2018

I want to kiss you and hug you so tight. I want to be with you on this day. I know that I cannot be like those girls so happy every valentines day, its okay. I can handle it. I just want to be with you. 

Marketing Class - Entry 2/5/2018

In our marketing class we are given a task to create our own product either to innovate or to invent new one. I tried this meaty saba for my project and its good and satisfying.

Entry 1/7/2018

I know that I will spend my days soon waiting for you to comeback for us. I know that you only have few days left before you go to Canada to be with you mother. I know that I don't have any right to stop those plans, those events, those things which are schedule on your timeline. I know that I have to accept that we have limited time to spend together. I know that there will be many changes to come in our life. I didn't want you to close your heart to everything that you would've wanted but if there is someone that you like and you love most aside from me please just tell me, so that I won't be hurt. You know that I love you that much. I can let you happy if that what you need to. Our lives won't be like us today, that, if we argued or have heated conversation, we can easily fix it nor we can go to each other place or even meet each other to be okay. We will be apart from each other. I want us to be faithful to each other, to be loyal and trust each other. I would not listen to anybody aside from what you will be saying please just tell me the truth. I love you so much. I will miss you so much love.