Depression (Entry 12/19/2018)

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Depression is one of the problem of many people. Depression can kill someone. It is very dangerous and critical condition of our mind. 

Many students, teens, or early adulthood experience depression. I am experiencing depression.

I try to cut my wrist many time and I felt dizzy everytime I woke up. I tried to overdozed myself but no used also. God always waking me up the next day. I feel  so good everytime I hurt my self. I don't know why.

I tell some people about what happened to me. Back then, they want me to file case againts him but I don't want everyone to judge me more because of it. Many will get involved and know what happened to me. 

Living on a nightmare is not really easy.

I have multiple attempt of suicide on my highschool days and now at my college days.

When I was in highschool, I always hear voices echoing telling I am not good enough. People just judge me physically whether who I am or not. Even my parents believed those people. They called me malandi, maarte, and worst pokpok, and even dictated my future to encounter teenage pregnancy. It is my worst life. Which leads me to end up my life.

My friends betrayed me always and left me behind. This happens when I was in grade shool upto college. People left me when I am down and useless. No one ask me if I am okay they just walk away. 

A traumatic experience happened to me on 2013. It still giving me a nightmare, and I couldn't sleep sometimes. I was been sexually harassed, kidnapped, threatened to kill me and my family and friends. For 2-3 months, sometimes I am leaving home for school but I am not attending classes. He pick me up around my university and dragged me somewhere far. There are time that I couldn't go back home and stays up to the next day. I am tired and I want to end everything. This is not the life I am wanting to be. He always threatened to kill me me, my family and my friends. He has a gun. He became obsessed with me and I was trapped. Then one day, I put all my strength and fight him that I want him to stop. He went to my university and threaten me again. He dragged me in front of University somewhere in Manila and that was around 10pm. I am crying but no one dares to help me. I am shouting someone help me please, but no one. He opened his bag and get his tools which are pointed like screw driver and hammer, and threatened me that he will kill anyone who will try to help me. Around 2am before he let me to go home. 

I dropped from my college, and stop going to school and going out my room. I want to tell my parents but I cannot. They will br angry at me and I don't want to hear any negative.

My bestfriend during that time, knows what happened to me. He betrayed me. He almost raped me. This is why now, I cannot trust any guys easily to be my friends.

After a year I went back school, I was left behind. No one of my friend asked me what happened and if I am okay. No one tried. I became alone, I change my attitude. Sometime I don't show any emotion. I am too good to be true but I also show my other side. My so called friends betrayed me and even confronted me like I am the one whose at fault. 

Now I am sufferring from depression, so many reason why I am like this. No one dare to ask me how I am. I guess no one really knows me well. I can smile, but my eyes cannot. I am sad and lonely. I need to talk. I need to cry. I need to shout.

I chose to be alone. I chose not to talk. I cannot minggled with everyone. 

Entry 12/10/2018

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Habang tumatagal palala ng palala. Naririndi ung utak ko mahal. Paulit ulit pumapasok sa isip ko ung makikipaghiwalay ka skin. Na inopen mo na naman na maghiwalay tayo. Ako nalang ba may gusto ng relasyong to? Ako nalang ba talaga? Mali ba na magselos ako? Mali ba? Tama ba naman iyon? Magalit ka sakin dahil don? Ayaw mo na pinakikilaman kita dba? Snabi ko lang naman di na kita pakikilaman sa ginagawa mo. Hindi na ko magseselos, d na ko magagalit. Kasi kapag ganun ako nagagalit ka din. Ako may kasalanan? Ako na nagselos ako na  nagalit ako pa may kasalanan? Mahal ilang beses mo na inopen yang paghihiwalay na yan. Ngayon napapaisip ako kung mahal mo ba talaga ako o naaawa ka nalang na iwan ako mag isa. 

Kung panghihinayang lang at awa ung nararamdaman mo sakin. Okay lang tatanggapin ko nalang din. O kaya sabihin mo nalang na di mo na ko mahal para hindi na ko nasasaktan. Kahit ata saksakan ako ng isang baldeng pampamanhid masakit pa din mahal. Ako pa bbigyan mo ng time to think? One day? Nah! I'll give you a week to think. Kung mahal mo pa ba ako o hindi na.