What About my other Side

Ever  since I was a kid, I really want to served God. So that sometimes I want to imagine myself wearing white vest  and making rosaries, in short a Nun. But still there's something inside of me that I must stop imagining myself from that.

When I was 15 years old, I join a choir on a parish. I don't want to mention the name of the church. My first year is fine. But as the days goes by, i just felt something different; that was the time when I was appoint to be the secretary of the group, without any nomination. Our choir adviser just appoint me while we are selecting our new choir group officers. She appoint me, because I am very active on church.

On the same year, new choir director came to serve the parish and handle our choir group. He appoint me to be the cantor, that was the first time we will sing the psalm. And I'm the first one who would sing in the altar wearing all white. It just not just once, it's been many times. Then my members are being ignored me sometimes, they didn't talk me like those before. I don't know why. Then many days pass, many criticized me, and I don't know why. Many wrong accusation been thrown to me. And I don't know what too do. Our mentor always telling me that I have to show my biggest smile even though they hates me of something I really don't know why.

Then our group organized an open forum. Member are damn angry at me and I don't know the reason. Then I found out, that they just have a big question mark on their mind. In shorty INSECURITY! I don't know why they have to. I can give up my position, but I can't give up my talent just because of this nonsense thing.

Then I just face them again and forget everything and just smile every time I'm with them, but one thing I'm sure; I cannot give my trust again. I really can't.

The same action had been repeated, wrong accusation, wrong information, and creating such  stories involving my name, for i don't know why. That's being rude and totally gives me a lot of pain. On the day I showed them my smile and don't know what's going on face. In short I act normally around them. But every night before I sleep I cry all my pain in bed.  I give all my tears for that day and tell myself to just ignored them and still be kind because they don't know what their doing.

Ignored and smiled. Just ignored and smiled. 

But this year is enough! I was totally give up on everything on that parish for so many reasons. And I can't take anything anymore. Everything is enough. 

Now i just found out my self serving my God from different parish, with different people and they are so kind and real person.

And because of this I stand again on my feet and have my peaceful mind.